Arcade Fire Stole My Puppy

Last Monday, my family got a puppy, a male yellow lab which my dad insisted on naming "Lance." I wanted to name it Freddie, but my dad said "We are NOT naming him after Freddie Mercury, I will NOT have a gay dog!" I pointed out the obvious, but he insists Lance is named after the one-balled bicycle racer as opposed to the homosexual ex-boy bander. But I digress.

The other day I was walking my puppy through an art show in DC and looking at some paintings of a guy with a Puff the Magic Dragon Penis tattoo, when the extrememly tall and sunken-eyed lead singer of Indie-rock Superstars Arcade Fire, stepped in front of me.

"Excuse me, Mr Butler," I said calmly, "You are standing on my foot."

The "Neon Bible" singer looked at me and said, "I stole this guy's basketball, so fuck off."

"It's a free country," I sniffed, "You'd know that if you had not spent so much time in Canadia-land."

Butler soon became extremely agitated and started sneering at me calling me an "emo kid" when the owner of the display (a giant dragon called Puff) came over and asked him to stop. Butler then merely screamed angrily at him, threw himself on the ground and started yelling "Li-ies! Li-ies!"

Finally, the security dudes tazered him in the ass, causing him to light up like a Christmas tree, and the police carried him away, crowds gathering around to see what was going on.

It was then I noticed Lance was gone.

I went over to the registration table in tears to find the event leader Marcy there. I then asked her "Have you seen my puppy? He's yellow, pink, and is wearing a dog-sized Queen t-shirt and a purple collar with butterflies on it. I put the t-shirt on him so no one could take him by mistake."

"I saw the singer of the Arcade Fire holding him as he was carried out of here. He has your puppy. Blog abut it to get him back."

Though I vaguely remember Butler having his hands bound, I decided to take Marcy's word for it and am now begging anybody in association with Win Butler or the Arcade Fire to contact me through this blog so I can see my puppy again. Thank you.